The Golden Chain of Reading: Friendships Across Boundaries

Among the many joys of raising young children is to see how without boundaries they are at first. They know not where to fear to tread and so they tread everywhere. They tell unpleasant truths and undermine all the euphemisms we use everyday to speak guardedly. It is we as adults who begin to quickly map out boundaries for them, most often for their own protection. Sometimes it is as simple as "Don't get in the dog's face," "Don't put that in your mouth," sometimes it is a much more subtle "That's not what we do."

Boundaries per se are not wrong. Our lives are always defined, ying & yang-like by the existence of the "Other;" that which is not us. And we can get particularly refined in defining the Other; in fact, we are superb hair-splitters:

Agnostic vs. Religious
Other Religions vs. Christianity
Catholic vs. Protestant
Baptist vs. Episcopalian
High vs Low Church

Ad infinitum

Where do we get this habit of pigeon-holing, of laying out boundaries? Well, in part, it is hardwired into us. Part of our success as a species is that we have evolved to identify patterns - patterns in sound (speech and music), patterns in our environment (weather and seasons), patterns of danger, patterns everywhere.

Children start identifying patterns from the youngest age and it is what gives them the capacity to startle us. The patterns they think they see do not match the patterns we as adults are accustomed to seeing.

I recall being very startled by one of our kid's questions. I don't remember the exact circumstances, but they were perhaps three or four and I think we had spent the day with a group of friends in Australia. Most the people were Australian but there were a couple of Asian families as well. On the way home afterwards, one of our kids asked me, "Daddy, are we Asian?" Well, since we are Caucasian, this came as something of a surprise. I explained the difference between the appearances of Caucasians and Asians. At first I thought this was just a confusion owed to the similarity of the words. Talking it through though, it became apparent that that was not the issue at all.

Our child had noticed subtle dynamics in the conversation. The pattern that they had observed was that the Asians and the Americans were the ones different to this group of Australians. If we and the Asians were the different ones, then did this make us Asian? All perfectly logical once you think it through from a child's perspective, but yet another example of how different and fresh their perspective can be. And how differently they can interpret what and where the patterns and boundaries are.

All this effort to identify patterns and the categories that go with them are predicated on taking control of your environment. The more you are able to identify patterns and categories that are meaningful, the more you can begin to predict. Dark clouds - probably rain. Slithering animal - probably snake. Shouting and waving of arms - probably angry. Each prediction then becomes the basis for some action to encourage a good outcome or avoid a bad one.

One of the most pernicious trends of the past fifty years has been the sanctioned pigeon-holing of people based on one-dimensional attributes, usually race, ethnicity, gender or religion, each meaningless without context. The boundaries around which we build our assumptions only take on meaning when weighted against one another and in context. It is easy to create scenarios that highlight just how dramatic the differences in context can be. You are walking down the street late at night in a rough part of town and four or five young fellows emerge from an alley and walk towards you. With nothing more than that, you are probably quickly kicking into fight or flight mode. Change one thing and you are in an entirely different situation. Instead of emerging from a dark alley they are emerging from a church with a Youth Meeting Tonight sign at the front.

It is unavoidable that we teach our children boundaries and differences; and we often do it by accident.

Child: Daddy, I don't like him.

Parent: Why not?

Child: He smells and his clothes are all dirty.

Parent: Why do you think that is? Maybe they can't afford a washer and dryer and his clothes don't get cleaned that often.

With the best of intentions of getting your child to understand the context and to see that some things might be beyond a persons' direct control, you are also accidentally setting up the expectation that poor people are smelly people. Acchh! Parenting is the most complex task ever undertaken.

So what can be done about boundaries and stereotypes and categories. I don't think the answer is in trying to hide that there are differences between peoples but rather to give a context and show that some of those differences are important and some are not and that it is the differences that makes things interesting. To teach them that whatever the stereotypes might be, you need to approach a person as a person and not some statistical sampling - to give them the respect they deserve and to let them show you they are worthy of friendship rather than shutting that door through assumptions that may be accurate on average and can never be fully accurate for a data set of one.

There are thousands of truly wonderful children's stories that tell the tale of children and people coming together, many times unexpectedly, to overcome mutual suspicions arising from assumptions (or raw ignorance) about gender, race, age, ethnicity, religion, wealth, class, culture, accent, language, country of origin, etc. The following are some stories where friendships are forged across the boundaries of age, race, religion, class, etc.

Picture Books